Saturday, May 16, 2009

The New Bisexual

"There's no such thing as bisexual, that's just something they invented in the 90's to sell hair products." ~ Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) 30 Rock

"Is everybody gay?!" ~ shouted Joan Cusack's Emily Montgomery in a bar after being jilted by her outed husband in In & Out.

It came to a head when I saw a twitter post asking "are there any straight, single men left in the world?"

This is the whine of almost every single metropolitan woman in America. Yet, if you were to take a quick browse through myspace you may notice that the straight vs. gay "spaces" seem to be quite equal. It now seems the new chic is to be Bisexual or even the more vague "undecided" (implying there are more choices than 3).

Click on a normal, "un-pimped" myspace page and it opens to the obligatory pic (for this example) a waif-ish little blond guy aprox. 21 years old, standing beside his neon colored Civic in baggie jeans, and a hoodie, with more jewelry than a 70 year old Hollywood widow.

Underneath the pic you can click on other posted shots of him:

  • dressed in various "gangsta" attire
  • posing with his car
  • the ones with him in front of a mirror (sans shirt) in a bathroom decorated in a way that says he still lives at home
  • or in his (messy) room that Mom refuses to clean

Eventually you come to the photos of him with his cat, "Mr. Something-or-other".

Then the boxes of interests:

  • General- something about cars, a hard life and "street cred", not into haterz.
  • Music- Flo-rida, The Black Eyed Peas, Fergie, Brittany Spears, Madonna, Ciara, Rhianna, Lady Gaga, Pink and Paramore
  • Movies- Horror, Anything with Pacino or Deniro, White Chicks, Just Friends, Steel Magnolias, anything with Kiera Knightly ('cause she's hot?)
  • Books- not enough time to read. (cause he's to busy in his room dancing to Rhianna?)
  • Heroes- Tupac, Biggie, My mom and my pop, and my best friend Jenny "because she don't put up with any $#!+"

Look to the right of the page, all of his friends are girls.

Then come the details:

  • Status- Single
  • Here for- Friends (yeah, right)
  • Orientation- Not Sure (check your music interests, that should give you a clue)

Even worse would be when you see a Status - Married, Orientation - Not Sure. How did you end up married if you weren't even sure you liked girls? To which my friends have actually said "what if his wife happened across his page? she wouldn't want to see Status - Gay!"

I don't think she'll be any more thrilled with Not Sure.

Of course there's always the aged 40+ people who are single and not sure and that's a terrible thing, to be 40 and not sure what you like in the bedroom, that's a lot of wasted years but that's a thing in itself. Guess 21 and undecided is a little less sad.

I've been sure since an early age and when it was time to hit the clubs, I may not have known what I'd end up with... but i was always sure what i wanted.

So, Emily Montgomery, i ask you: is anybody gay?